Heightened Bias: The Microaggressions faced by Tall Women

What is a Microaggression?

Over my years of blogging for -- and having a business that primarily serves -- tall women, I’ve spoken to a lot of individuals with seriously low self-esteem.  Women who, when I get to know them, have enormous amounts of reasons to value themselves highly.

It takes nerves of steel to cope with persistent comments about one’s physical appearance, particularly when people assume that height = strong, capable, and incapable of being bullied or harassed.

Tall women encounter microaggressions on the regular; remarks that seem harmless -- or even complimentary on the surface -- that can dig deep at our insecurities. When we experience them repeatedly over time, they have a cumulative emotional toll. They can lead to feelings of alienation, anxiety and a diminished sense of self worth.

And while this might seem like a bit of a neggy post, I think it’s incredibly important that our experiences are validated. Acknowledging the legitimacy of the hurt caused by persistent microaggressions, and recognising the impact they’ve had on our self esteem, is a crucial step towards healing.

Here are some of the microaggressions you may have heard in the past:

“Do you like being tall? My friend hates it.”

You're implying I should... but deflecting accountability. 

“Are you really that tall?” (Usually on a dating website)

You know I haven’t made a mistake. You just want to undermine me from the off. 

“I’ve seen men that tall but never a woman. Wow.”

You’re assigning me masculine attributes and deliberately making me feel like less of a woman.

“Oh I’m so glad there’s another tall girl here… I always feel like a giant.”  Random 5’8 girl. 

If you're a giant, then wtaf am I?  

“Do people find you intimidating?”

You’re suggesting they should.

“Do you find it difficult to date?”

You’re suggesting I should.

“Do guys get put off by your height?”

You’re putting the fear of God into me about dating.  

“I couldn’t date someone shorter, I’d feel like their mum.”

You know most of my options are shorter, so you’re invalidating my experiences of love.

“You’re so lucky… you don’t have to worry about anyone attacking you.”

You’re suggesting I don’t suffer the same issues that you do. I’d still choose the bear.

“How could she bully you? She’s tiny!”

Funnily enough, she knew I probably wouldn’t throw a punch when she mocked me in the work canteen. And you’re completely invalidating my experience based solely on my appearance.

“You make me feel so short.”

You’re very much shifting the responsibility of your insecurities from you to me. 

“Oh don’t stand next to me in the photo!”

You’re happy to exclude me on account of your own insecurities.

“Why are you wearing heels?”

You’re suggesting that heels are solely for adding height, and you feel you have the right to police my fashion choices and make me feel uncomfortable.

“I’d love to be a bit taller. Maybe 5’8… that would be perfect.”

Just… not that tall?

“You’re too tall to be cute.”

You’re suggesting that femininity and grace are linked to being petite and small.

How to overcome Microaggressions

Acknowledge and validate your experiences

You’re not whingeing or playing the victim. You’re recognising that some of the things people have said to you are not ok, and it’s completely natural to be affected by them.

Don't absorb criticism from someone you wouldn't ask for advice

A kind, confident, well-rounded and self-aware individual does not make comments that are going to hurt you. Think of the people who have made you feel good in your life, and the people who have made you feel rubbish. Which ones are genuinely happy? Which ones are genuinely successful, beyond financial success? Hurt people tend to hurt others the most.

Assertive communication

If you feel comfortable, consider addressing the microaggression in the moment. A simple, “I know you meant that as a compliment, but comments like that feel really hurtful,” can sometimes help educate others about the impact of their words. You can also unpack what they’re saying and ask them what they intended by their words. Bullies don’t usually expect to be called out for their behaviour. And remember, if they hit back with “Oh my god, don’t overreact”… it’s gaslighting. They made you feel bad about your body and then criticised your reaction. Textbook. 

Safe Spaces

Tall Facebook groups and other social media communities can provide solace and understanding. You can share experiences without judgement, and make connections with people who have endured the same. A word of warning though; these groups will also contain some very damaged individuals, for all the reason detailed in this post. So not all interactions will be positive. A lot of tall women have been hurt BADLY by other women in their lives, and are left distrustful, bitter and defensive. Show them some love (or bite your tongue).

Choose your friends wisely

Ensure your close friends know how you feel about comments. Not only will they be more thoughtful themselves, but they will leap to your defence if you encounter a bellend. If there are other acquaintances/family members that are guilty of height-related microaggressions, ensure that they are made aware of the hurt it causes. You can have a word with someone close to them, or mention it yourself if you feel confident enough. Best case scenario; they stop. Worst case scenario; you know you need to cut them out.

Professional Support

If you’ve found the cumulative impact of these experiences is affecting your mental health, then consider speaking to a therapist. They can offer coping strategies and help you reinforce a positive self-image. Speak to your GP and ask to be referred privately or on the NHS (UK). I bloody love a good therapy session. 

One final note

Remember, sometimes it can feel that you’re over-reacting to an off-hand comment. But I always use the “bruise” analogy. When you knock a bruise, it’s exceptionally painful. That small knock wouldn’t normally hurt, had you not got layers of damaged skin and nerves underneath. Comments about our height can be incessant and cumulative. They keep knocking away at the bruise, and chipping away at our confidence. Be kind to yourself, you’re doing bloody amazing. And in case no one's told you today... my God you're fit. 

Laura xx